I had this terrible feeling yesterday. I was in the shower, and I heard my cell phone ring. Then I heard my home phone ring. Then my cell phone again. I knew instantly that it was my sister trying to call because she’s the only one who knows my home number.

Then, suddenly, I had this overwhelming fear that she was calling to tell me that our mom had passed away. I know this seems illogical and even neurotic, but the truth is, my mom could die at any minute as her Multiple Sclerosis continues to destroy her body. And I’m left with the realization that, if something were to happen, I would not be able to say goodbye.

This is one of the hardest aspects about living in Guatemala. Although I love almost everything about being here, the thought of my mom dying without saying goodbye to her makes me feel vulnerable and even scared.

Despite the fact that every time I’m home I spend as much time with her as possible, and I tell her I love her repeatedly, and I make sure she knows how grateful I am for everything she has done for me…

…I’m still afraid.

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