While most people do everything they can to avoid the topic of death, I think it’s one of the most important. We need to discuss it, think about it, read about it, and even witness it. Because, sooner or later, when we least expect it or want it, when everything is finally going right in our lives, or when absolutely nothing is, death will find us.

But that shouldn’t scare us; living inadequately should. And this is why I’m no longer afraid of death: not because I live perfectly or without error, but because I try to enjoy every single moment of my life. I do plenty of things I look back on and think, “Woops, I should’ve done that differently.” The reason I’m not afraid of death though, is because I’ve taken the time to contemplate it, and truly face it. In the process of understanding death better then, I’ve also learned to live much more fully. And that’s the key. Traveling all over the world doesn’t make me less afraid of death. Eating all the exotic foods I can find and indulging myself in delicacies doesn’t make me less afraid. What makes me less afraid of death, is knowing that every day, every minute, even as I write this sentence, I live life in every breath. While some people don’t “feel alive” until the weekend comes, or when they’re at some secluded beach, or when they’re playing a weekly game of futeca, I feel alive with every conversation. I feel alive with every class I teach. I feel alive whether I’m eating at home by myself or among friends in a beautiful restaurant. I feel alive right now because I refuse to wait until something “exciting” happens, since every moment is exciting and fulfilling in its own way.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have goals that I want to accomplish, and things I desperately want to do before I die. Matter of fact, I even have a list of five things I hope I experience before death comes knocking on my door. They are in order of importance, starting with the most pertinent of all.

1. I want to fall in love and get married. Twice, I have fallen in love, and twice, I have fallen out of love. Neither relationship ended badly, but for various reasons we discovered that we weren’t meant for each other. And, since I value marriage immensely, it is not something I will ever rush into. I can patiently wait until I find the woman who I will fall madly in love with, and spend the rest of my life with. In my opinion, there is nothing more beautiful than the true devotion a man gives to his wife, and a woman gives to her husband. And I refuse to taint something as beautiful as love and marriage, by being desperate.

2. I want to have children. (This is actually probably a tie with getting married. However, since I definitely want to be married before I have children, I thought that one should go first.) Now, since I’m a teacher, I obviously love kids. Yet being a child’s teacher, and being a child’s father are two very different things. I want a son who I can sit with at night and teach to read, tuck him into bed, and turn on his night-light so he doesn’t get scared. I want a daughter who will hold my hand as I walk her to school, ask me awkward questions about boys, and then I’ll try my best to be honest and open with her, even though I’ll hate the fact that she’s starting to like boys already. I want to have “daddy’s little girl” and I want to bond with my son. I want to help them look for colleges, and tell stories about them in front of their friends that will embarrass them. Most of all, I want to sacrifice my life to make theirs better.

3. I want to live long enough to see what my students become. Whenever I teach, I don’t just see 13-year-old kids. I try to envision them differently, and this motivates me to work harder. I see them as doctors, accountants, lawyers, business owners, photographers, writers, and so much more. Someday they will become all of these things, and I want to know that I did everything I could to teach them well. So this is what I would like. I’d like an e-mail from a student of mine 10 years from now saying something along the lines of, “Mr. Topf! It’s been so long!!! But you know, I still remember things from your class. Like that respect point thing you did. Boy, I hope you’re not still torturing the kids with that! By the way, I was wondering if it’s okay that I call you Corey now? Hahaha (jajaja). You know I’m only kidding. Well sort of. Honestly, I’m e-mailing you to let you know that I graduated from UCLA a few years ago with a psychology degree, and for the last two years I’ve been working with emotionally abused children. It’s difficult to hear their stories, but at the same time it’s so rewarding to know I’m helping them in some small way. Now I know why you loved teaching so much! Well, I just wanted to say hi and see where you’re teaching at now. Somewhere crazy I’m sure. )

Much love,

Your student”

4. I want to produce a full-length film or documentary. One idea of mine is to go around to schools throughout the world and film the way children are educated. And I’m not so concerned about whether or not the film makes money or is viewed by a lot of people. I just want to go through the process of creating a tw0-hour film about a topic that will inspire me along the way.

5. Finally, and this is probably the most unrealistic, I want to take my mom to Europe. At 58 years old, she has never been on an airplane, and never left the U.S. Unfortunately, because she is confined to a wheelchair and can no longer walk, the odds of her leaving the country now are very slim. But, if one day she becomes healthy enough, and if I get crazy enough, I’m going to surprise her with an all-expense-paid trip to London, Paris, Munich, and Barcelona. Seeing the look on her face would be enough to satisfy me for the rest of my life.

But like I said, despite any dream or ambition that I have, I could die tomorrow, and I would die a happy man.

“Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” – Morrie Schwartz.